Gender Roles and Stereotypes

I see there is a post on BotB about this from last night, and I'm just starting to read all the responses now, which is good, because lately I have really been thinking about how what we do as parents and people will now start to affect the burrito as he is fully able to view and take in everything around him.

I have noticed that hubs' family is especially supportive of gender roles and boy stereotypes. I can't remember exactly the situation, but someone tried to give him something purple, and MIL said "no, that's a girl color!" I said that I don't want to tell him that certain things are meant only for girls or only for boys. I also pointed out that he has four spoons of differing colors and one of them is pink and I use it even though it's not a "boy color." Hopefully if I keep pointing it out, she'll get it. I try to make it more about the way I want him brought up and not a me vs MIL sort of thing (just because recently I've noticed that her mannerisms and way of acting around the burrito are not exactly in tune with mine...case in point: please do not let my child lick your fork which just had a seasoned steak on it).

But I digress...I don't want to post the whole conversation here, but I did want to put down some snippets so I recall them later:

(original thread)
(original original thread)

I don't know the answer, but I will say that I'm amazed at how much of a "boy" Gabe has turned out to be.  There's just so much that comes from society that you don't even realize.  I try to expose Gabe to a wide range of toys and experiences (he has dolls, he has play food, he has puzzles, he has trucks etc), but he's currently obsessed with cars, trucks, airplanes and trains.

Where does my responsibility as a parent lie?  Do I encourage the things he is interested in even though they are pretty stereotypically "boy" interests?  Do I try to steer him towards more gender neutral interests in order to "balance" him out for lack of a better word? - armandos


...listen to a child's cues and be aware of their comfort level. I have two friends with little kids who are displaying gender non-conforming behavior. Explaining why peoplereact the way they do without blaming the child or telling them what to do makes a difference. These are kids who know their sex, don't have the words to describe gender expression, but who are truly discovering what fits for them. - BGG

I am  thinking of a blog post (which I can't remember) where a mom was called in because in her 1st grade classroom, her daughter was in trouble for being violent.  They were writing a story and each kid built on the page in front by the previous kid.  Her daughter's had to do w/ something violent and the teacher insisted that she had NEVER seen such violence in a story before...but the daughter's page was building directly off of the MORE violent pages that came first...but no one cared about those because boys could be violent. - GBKC

But I also grew up knowing that physically, I am a girl and there are certain things that are expected of me as a girl (for lack of a better term).  I knew that going to church on Sunday, showing up in a dress would be less controversial than showing up in khaki's and a tie.  I was blessed to have incredibly supportive family/friends and not to have any serious inner gender/identity issues and could go between my desire to be more tomboy and societies expectation for me to be more girly. - Balls

As far as the coddling girls and toughening up boys thing... it is the total opposite at my house.  It has nothing to do with their sexes, and everything to do with their personalities.  Rough housing is an equal opportunity sport in this house, and nobody holds back anymore on Riley than they do on Nathan.  Nathan tends to be more sensitive if he gets hurt or feels upset, and he needs the hugs and cuddles to get over it quickly, so that's what he gets.  Riley tends to do better with the "you're alright, shake it off and get back up!" speech, so that's what she gets more often than not. ... I think that expecting everyone to conform to them is definitely not ok, but there is nothing wrong with "girls like to wear dresses" and "boys like to play with trucks" as long as people understand that it is ok for it to be the opposite. - Leslie

My MIL has voiced her concerns about us not teaching him proper gender rolls.  She sees photos of him playing with the vacuum, pretending to cook, etc.  She truly feels that we should be pushing the cars, trucks, and trains.  He owns "boy toys" and chooses not to play with them very often.- MadameFP

This is something I worry about with MIL. I believe that every kid no matter the sex should know how to do things around the house - laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I know that hubs will support this, because he's a clean freak by nature (his time in the Navy added to this). But hopefully she won't discourage that. My common sense says she would not, but my inner monologue worries about everything. I just have to focus on how hubs grew up I think, because she raised him, and he makes a killer french toast. Score.

One of my favorite selections from The Parent's Tao Te Ching - A New Interpretation:

2. Take Care With Labels

When you teach your children that certain things are good,
they are likely to call all different things bad.
If you teach them that certain things are beautiful,
they may see all other things as ugly.

Call difficult things "difficult,"
and easy things "easy,"
without avoiding one and seeking the other
and your children will learn self-confidence.
Call results "results,"
without labeling one as success
and another as failure
and your children will learn freedom from fear.
Call birth "birth,"
and death "death,"
without seeing one as good
and the other as evil
and your children will be at home with life. 

 - AKA
↑ I need to get this, I completely agree with this excerpt. Thanks akalutts for posting this! ::adds to Amazon list::

Well, I have a little time before he starts being heavily influenced by outside sources...I'm not entirely sure that the other kids at daycare are giving him pressure right now. But I am interested to read the book that aka quoted and see if there's anything that I can start doing (or not doing) now to help make the burrito a more tolerant, well-rounded, and communicative individual. Or, just not screw him up. Isn't that what every parent aspires to?

I think my dr called me fat.

I probably would too, though, haha. Had my monthly small fry appointment today, was reading Your Best Birth last night so I had all these things I wanted to ask as a preliminary to birthing questions, and of course had a bad night - complete with fun freaky dreams, and not the brown chicken brown cow type of freaky - so I was a bit off this morning.

I could hardly pee in the cup, even though I drank a full glass of water before the appointment. So far, I've been able to avoid that little blunder (I did that once while taking a test for a job, and it was no fun - but I was lucky to get a really nice nurse/tech/whomever!) - but I'll have to start drinking a gallon before my appointments just in case. The dr seemed a little off this morning too, but it's only my 2nd meeting with her, so as time goes on I will see how her personality is.

The questions I asked were along the lines of:
"Can you move around at the hospital, or do you always have to be on your back on the bed?" A: yes you can move around until you are ready to deliver, be walking, be on the ball, etc.
"What is the IV like? Do they give you one immediately?" A: they'll give you one when you come in, just in case you need fluids or medication, but you won't be coming in until your contractions are timed a certain way, remember? It's just the catheter that they put in your hand, you won't be connected to a pole and you can still move around.
"Can you eat anything?" A: while in the hospital in active labor we won't give you anything to eat, just drink. But if you're laboring at home, you can eat up until you leave. Also, if we have to do an induction, we plan to feed you, there will be breaks and such if it is a long labor. We don't starve people, don't worry.

I still have a lot more to ask, she said to write them down (duh, go me) and ask away. I also asked about weight gain, because as of yesterday I am at 180.2 and somewhat anxious that the fry isn't getting enough. She said not to worry, that the baby would get it before I would. It's probably just because I've been eating healthier (just chowed down on a burger, so all that healthy stuff went out the window this lunch session, lol) etc. and if I had started out at 100 lbs, then she'd be worried. I had to laugh at that one - yeah, I definitely had enough meat on my butt bones before this to justify a small weight gain.

So, here's an update for you!

Total weight gain/loss: let's see, I think I started around 177.2, and I'm about at 180.2, so three pounds, whoo-hoo!

Maternity clothes? Actually wearing normal pants today, albeit tight. But yes, mat clothes complete me.

Stretch marks? my boobs may be taking the brunt of this latest stretching.

Sleep: really enjoying my new body pillow, not enjoying being woken up by snoring (thanks, hubs)

Best moment this week: MIL and GMIL offering to pay for our crib, then planning a special trip to the store to p/u said crib, and hubs wanting to go with us.

Movement: a couple different types: being headbutted, being kicked, flipping, and my favorite - a general trying to escape.

Food cravings: salad. mmmmm

Gender: team penis!

Labor Signs: N/A

Belly Button in or out? still the same, hanging in there.

What I miss: a special kind of sushi, but only at times when other people are eating it, lol.

What I am looking forward to: SHOPPING!

Weekly Wisdom: you NEED to stretch every day, or else you will be asking yourself "why didn't I stretch today?"

Milestones: receiving and reading my mom's baby book - the one she wrote while pg with me. it was fantastic to explore that side of her, which is something she normally won't share. It was very...humbling. And loving.

Today might be a good day.

I'm going to the gym tonight. So exciting. I don't know why. But I think it's because of the new healthy kick I'm on. I went to tar-jay yesterday and got spinach, yogurt, goldfish (I blame brooke), and some other goodies. Couldn't find any pg or pre-natal dvds, so I just did regular yoga this morning.

Went to borders after that to pick up What To Expect... and got myself some grapefruit lip balm. Yum. I only read about 1/8 of the way into it, but there were a lot of sections I could skip. I glanced at Your Pregnancy Week by Week on the shelf, and I think I might get that too (coupon happy), just to know. My "symptoms" come and go - really, it's only one symptom - and it kind of has me freaked out. I know I'm not alone in this, as evidenced by a post on BOTB this morning by my almost-chart-twin. She doesn't know I'm stalking her. Yet.

Still don't know whether or not I should "come out" on BOTB. I was going to wait until Monday, but I just don't know. My biggest fear is that I will offend someone, or make someone completely depressed/unhappy because I had a surprise and they've been trying so hard for so long. So, I don't know.

What makes me feel better: text message from hubs saying that he wants to be a good husband and dad (wow, still scary!). : )

What to Expect

When You're Expecting: has been boughten.

Look out, interwebs. I'm armed with book-learnin' now.