Home Safety - "childproofing"

What, I haven't been here for months, you say? Pssh. I'll just ignore that for now and come back to it in another post... ::distracts you with glow sticks::

I pull out pages and dog-ear magazines to be saved for later - things I want, rooms and colors and fabrics I like, crafts to be made, recipes to test. Pinterest has been great for this, as now I can recycle those magazines and pages and my husband will not have to burn the house down (oh wait, it was me who threatened that...). I'm totally kidding - we will NOT burn the house down, lurking insurance people.

So I ran across one that I just had to write down, as i can't really pin an article, and secondly - I have no idea from what magazine it came. Oops.

Home Safety - here are the suggestions it makes:

ENTIRE HOUSE
Safety locks on windows
Outlet covers
Smoke & Carbon Monoxide detectors
Corner protectors & edge cushions
Cord Shorteners
TV/DVD guard
Safety gates
Tips - keep batteries and purses out of reach. Keep space heaters away from baby.

We don't have extra safety locks on the windows currently because it's winter and they're ALL locked regularly. The only ones he can get to would be our bedroom windows, and I won't leave him in there unsupervised unless they are locked.
Outlet covers, smoke & CO detectors - CHECK. And Hubs changed the batts a few weeks ago.
Corner protectors, edge cushions - the only thing I can see him running into that has a sharp corner is the TV stand, and there is currently a bag of clothes from Hubs' SIL living there. I can't really think of any other sharp edges in our house. We don't have a fireplace, so I don't need to block it off with 18 baby gates (you know I would).
Cord shorteners - the only place he is left unsupervised where there are cords is the living room, where we have a lamp on the end table, our computer chargers, and the phone plugged in. Since we're geniuses, we put a baby gate in front of the whole thing, lol. And, I remixed it with the help of some velcro straps to make NOTHING stick out.
TV/DVD guard - you're looking at her. Er, listening...reading...her?
Safety gate - (see cord shorteners.) We have one at the basement steps, because right now the heat is on and that door is open. We have one at the end table, and one at the top of the stairs which can be used either in the hall to keep him away from the bathroom, for when we have the space heater on there before we give him a bath (it gets shut off if he is in there), or can be used at the top of the stairs with a little finagling - has to be VERY tight.

NURSERY
Screw-in door stoppers to keep doors from closing and locking
Finger pinch guard on doors and toy boxes
Crib rail teether
Baby monitor

Since our house was built in 1925 (yes we've had his bloodwork done, no signs of lead), most of our doors don't actually close. Getting the dingy, dust-hoarding carpet out and Killz-ing the bathroom was a priority when we bought it, lol. I have a planer, but didn't get there yet. So, the screw-in door stoppers to keep them from locking? Not necessary; we don't have any doors that lock other than the front and back. And the story of the front door locking is for ANOTHER POST ENTIRELY.
As for finger-pinch guards? he's learning now to close doors, and how they work, and I am of the school that he should learn what happens and not have to keep a contraption on the door until all of our (present and future) kids are in college.
Our toy box is actually a Longaberger laundry basket which we re-purposed for that, so no shutting of any lids there!
Crib rail teether - He hasn't chewed on his crib yet, hopefully he won't! But if he does, I will revisit this topic then, because our crib has a ledge for a rail.
Baby monitor - check. Got that one before he was born. Still use it if he's playing in his room or taking a nap somewhere throughout the house.

KITCHEN
Cabinet locks & drawer latches
Appliance knob covers & latches
Stove & burner guards
Tips: Keep cleaning products and sharp objects out of reach. Keep a list of important and emergency numbers handy. Never seat baby on the counter. Turn pot handles to the back of the stove.

The only cabinet in our kitchen which is currently latched is the under-sink one which has the cleaning products, trash bags, and vases. All of the other cabinets (two total) either have tupperware, which I let him play in, much to my husband's chagrin - I think it's totally cute when he sits in the cabinet and bangs plastic lids on things and sees how many ice cube trays he can fit in my iced tea pitcher. he's a toddler. it makes him happy. Or, they contain his food, bibs, and cups, which is semi-impossible for him to open currently due to the construction of the cabinet (1925, remember?) and the type of handle - cup drawer pull. There are only two more drawers within his reach, the muffin tin/cookie sheet/cake pan drawer, which I'm *pretty sure* I'll hear the second he pulls something out, and the pot holders and bread drawer. No harm there unless he tries to smother himself in pot holders. Or pretzels and graham crackers, which are currently the only things in my bread drawer, because I'm THAT person who keeps her bread in the frig. And spells refrigerator frig for short.
But I digress. Appliance knob covers - all of my appliances have no knobs within his reach - controls are on the back of the stove, and it's a glass-top; dishwasher buttons are on the top of the door, and there's a lock.
Stove & burner guards - I will have to look into something like this for when he gets a little taller, because we do have a glass-top and if he goes to put his hands up there it may hurt him. Obviously I've been teaching him "HOT" and not to touch, but y'know...toddlers.
Emergency numbers - on the frig, and I have a "babysitters' info sheet" with a dry-erase marker too.

BATHROOM
Toilet latch
Bathtub soft spout cover
Nonskid tub mat
Cabinet locks
Childproof containers
Tip: Keep all medications securely out of baby's reach.

I'm going to check on toilet latches this week, and am getting a whale-y cover at tarjay as well. We don't need a nonskid tub mat yet, because I'm still using his tub - it's ginormous, but uses less water than filling the whole tub, and has an incline so I can rinse his head w/o getting water in his toddler eyeballs.
Cabinet locks - we only have one cabinet in our bathroom, and it is currently held closed with a jack-o'lantern hair tie. SOOOO, yes I need to put latches on that one.
We have all of our medications in the kitchen in our medicine box in the cabinet above the sink, so he won't be able to get to them for another year, and hopefully in that time I will have taught him that climbing on the counters is NOT GOOD and will get you a seat on the TIME-OUT BENCH and possibly NO DESSERT. Or something.

Well, hopefully you have enjoyed that foray into my shopping list for this week, heh heh.

Baby's First Fever

Two weeks ago, we thought the burrito had a cold. When the mucus in the corner of his eye got worse, we took him into the pedi - pinkeye. UGH. And eyedrops, double ugh. We put them in when he was sleeping or otherwise distracted, 3x/day. He had a 7-day round, so it wasn't too horrible. But add that to the cough?

She had given us a script for additional meds in case the cough got worse...and after bringing him back to bed with us and hearing him cough two nights, we filled it. So it was meds 2x/day in addition to the drops for a while!

His cough let up some, and I recall saying something at work about this being the second time he was really ill (barring the baby cold earlier this year) since he was born - which I was thankful for, since I know some kids who have constant ear infections, sinus problems, breathing problems, etc.

And then? The universe heard. And sent me this weekend! Hubs worked, and I had a dinner party planned with friends, so I was doing errands and such. When we got home on Saturday, he was still warm, so I took his temperature, and around noon on Saturday he was at 100.3. Niiiice. First fever! Administered acetaminophin, made dinner, he ate like a pig, and his temp went down a little.

Sunday? temp went up to 103 in the afternoon, just in time for my friends to get there. Hubs called the on-call pedi, and they said in babies sometimes the degree of fever is less important than the symptoms. He was eating, drinking, and filling diapers normally, so we continued with the tylenol and fed and watered him normally.

Of course, this morning, he was at 100.2, and I called daycare and heard something about 101 or higher, so I thought he was good to go. We got all packed up and walked in, only to be told that I misheard the policy and they won't take them until they have 24 hours fever-free. Crap. And I can tell he was upset walking back out, because he gets so excited going in. Having the daycare lady say that you can see it in his eyes, and the he looks awful didn't help either.

I wanted to keep him home this morning, but I didn't want to be influenced by my mommy-instinct to stay home, curl up and cuddle the kid. I know they're always worse in the AM too. And, I'm out of sick days at work. I just felt awful when she said that. So, the kid is currently passed out on the floor. He's been sleeping for over 2 hours now, and his head feels normal and not hot at all, so I'm hoping the sleeping is doing its job and the fever has broken.

Not who I wanted to be today.

Did you ever have a day where you just weren't the person you wanted to be? Like, you got to the end of the day and looked back and said whoa... What happened? I wouldn't have done that. But, you did.

I had one of those days. Truth be told, i've been having a lot of them often. Days where I think to myself, I don't normally do this. I can get more done. I can do things differently. But, it's just not true. I mean maybe I could have - the me from two years ago. The current me? The one with a demanding horrible awful job and the wonderful child? Not so much.

Just another wonderful reason I'm in wonderful therapy.

Do you have days like this? Where you can't seem to get it together enough to make a simple phone call? You don't remember appointments? And at the end of the day when you say eff it instead of running which you know will make you feel better, you don't know who you are anymore? God I hope it's not just me. That would make going crazy awfully lonely.

Maybe sleep will help.

Yes, I'm complaining about complaining.

So I like to vent occasionally about how life isn't perfect and not exactly what I want it to be right now. Everyone does it. Am I of the camp that If you don't do anything to change it, you should just shut up? Not really - freedom of speech is a pretty good thing, and you're never going to stop all the people all of the time from complaining. I have this argument with myself every four years or so around November, because of the inevitable voting gossip, and the amount of people who every year remark "if you don't vote, you don't have any right to complain about the outcome."

I may ignore you if you complain an insane inordinate incomprehensible amount though. I think venting is good to some degree, but there are those that take it too far. A lot of them live in my state. I had a discussion about this with hubs recently - he was remarking that it seems like the culture in our area is more prone to complaining and whining that others. I found that interesting, and would totally have researched it had I been in psych or soc 101.

But I digress. Recently I was venting about parental things - I believe it was when I was talking to someone at work about a dinner plan for some night in the near future - and my complaint went something like, I would like to have more time at night to be able to go out and do things, but right now with my schedule (getting home from work really late at different times each night) and with the burrito's needs (eat, eat, play, eat, sleep and maybe fuss a bit in there) I don't really like to mess up the home-night-life so that he gets more out of whack. And I've been noticing something when I complain lately: some other mothers keep saying "well I've done that before" or "yeah, we used to do that too" or even "we had it worse."

So, I figure I can take this three ways:

1) person listening is one-upping me 

2) person listening wants me to shut it

3) I am seriously failing at life in general if everyone I talk to keeps saying they've done it and I can't.

For 1 and 2, I'm pretty sure that I may  be underestimating the amount or tone of my complaining and I should just stop and solve my problems on my own. Pity party at home, with some alcoholic beverages instead. Whine to the dog, text my sister. For a set time limit. And then move on.

Maybe I'll use a timer.

Poor dog.

But for 3, ah, well that is a horse of a different color. Because lately? I totally feel like I am failing at life in general. I know that people have done what I have done. I know that I can use every hour of every day. But when I have ten unfinished projects around my house, laundry to be folded, and a sink full of dishes - and I just got the kid to sleep and all I want to do is write a blog entry and go to bed so I can get up to exercise and oh my good lord it's 11 and I'm running out of time - then, THEN, I feel #3.

Am I alone in this? I don't think so. But it would be nice to know others struggle(d) with it.

Adderall.

It sounds like a whispered conversation in the corner of a backyard bbq; a name dropped at a parent/teacher meeting; a scene out of Desperate Housewives.

I've always avoided medication; I don't like taking pills (have a horrible gag reflex, insert BJ jokes here), I hate shots, and just generally figured I could get by without it. I hate taking bcp every day, and taking tylenol or my migraine meds when I do have one.

However, it was suggested last week that I could benefit from a medication that could help me to focus. And I have been considering it.

I felt ambushed when I walked into my counseling meeting and my husband had already been talking to the therapist and it was the first thing that was said - hey, how about going on this? Just like it was candy. Here, have a gumball. It'll make you more efficient. Hubs told me that I was taking it too personally, and that it didn't mean there was something wrong with me. Just that I needed a little extra chemical push in my brain to help my neurons to fire; or something like that.

I still don't know how to feel about it. After the Desperate Housewives scene popped into my head, I thought it might be good - I could get a lot more done! Prioritize better! Remember everything I wanted to do in a day! But would it really help? Would the side effects be too much for me? Would I be able to sleep? Would I end up doing all of the work around the house? Hubs looked a bit hurt when I balked at taking medication. He said that it worked for him, and I didn't have a problem with him taking medication for his chemical imbalance. I said that was because it was him who brought it up. He recognized a problem. Me? I didn't think it was a problem until it was a problem for hubs. I've always been a little scatterbrained, but I thought it had just gotten worse now that I was working over 40 hours a week and taking care of a kid. I never wanted to do housework in the first place - yes, dishes sometimes sit in the sink for up to a week. Other things were just more important to me.

But lately I have been forgetting things, and it's really getting to hubs. I'll leave something around the house, meaning to come back to it, and it will sit there for a week until he gets upset that it's been there for a week and I haven't done anything. Mostly, laundry. Dishes in the kitchen. My things lying around the house. I left two sweaters draped over a chair in the living room for two weeks. I'd walk by and think, "oh, I have to take those upstairs and do such-and-such with them." But then I'd never come back. It seems now? That I can't finish anything.

So, because I have such a fear - stigma, even - with taking medication for this, I'm going to tough it out and see how I do. I started a list of items that need to be done during the week on a regular basis: laundry, vacuuming, bathroom cleaning, etc. I check them off when they're done. It's going well so far. I just feel like I don't have any time in the evenings to spend with my husband and child - even though he assures me that I do spend quality time with them. I guess that's something that's hard to reconcile for me. I grew up with my mom doing the cleaning on the weekends. Since we go out and run errands, visit, and just generally have fun on the weekends that hubs doesn't work now, it's a little tougher. Especially on the weekends when he sleeps after working 3rd shift. I try to be quiet, but it's tough with a 9 month old! And if I go out, I get nothing done around the house.

I've also been trying to implement a plan to finish everything I start, and not take on anything new. After a recent crying-in-the-basement jag, I realized that I was saving all of these things for a life I didn't have right now. My basement is full of crap. Not crap to me, but just crap. Magazines, bags, bows, quilting items. It's all things that I won't use soon. I may not use at all. And I lost hubs' Father's Day card. I keep bringing so much stuff in, that the stuff I already have gets pushed out. This goes double for my brain - it's like every new thought pushes an old one out.

So I have decided to take Stacy and Clinton's advice and apply it to my life: dress for the body you have. Live for the life you have. All of my plans, everything I was saving, I can't use right now. Doesn't mean I can't plan, but don't plan and then think that it will happen the very next second - I won't be a housewife with time to make a beouf bourginon tomorrow. But, I can take a gander at the cookbooks I already have (I'm talking to you, Rachel Ray) this weekend. I won't be composting and making my own soil - but I can refill the birdfeeder.

Hopefully, letting go of things I don't use or need will help me to appreciate what I do have and make better use of it. Including the brain cells. And if not? There's always that next step.

Long Nights, Impossible Baby

As a person, I know that not every day can be a good one. You'll have nights where you don't want to do anything but veg out on the couch and watch Conan. Which is totally what I'd do If I could stay up that late but - who does that anymore???

Now as a mother, I know that these nights are tenfold when small carbon-based lifeforms are involved. Especially when one or more of us is sick or fussy, or god help us teething. And there are points when burrito has been crying and he's not hungry or wet and just wants to be held but I feel nauseated and my back hurts and why can't he just tell me what he wants?? And I just feel like taking him by the shoulders like I would my husband and shaking him and yelling "what do you want!"

BUT OBVIOUSLY cannot do this. One, don't shake babies. It's just not good manners. It was one of those things we were taught early on, along with don't eat yellow snow and don't run with scissors.

Second, it will accomplish nothing. He still won't be able to tell me what's wrong, and odds are If I do anything he doesn't like he'll start in with the full-on banshee cry instead of being just a fussy baby. His fussy noise goes "meeeeeh meeeeeh" btw, which when uttered with downturned lips and pitiful face sounds a lot like he's lamenting that his mother is a disgrace. I can see the tell-all books now. (no wire hangers!!!1!11!!!)

I have found that laying him down and letting him kick while I take a moment to breathe helps. I have also found that he enjoys the alphabet song and oddly enough, "hit the road jack." so I rock him back and forth and sing. Or, lay on the bed while he flops around like a fish and sing.

Another gem I discovered this morning? A little thing I call the surprise mirror. I hold him with my back to the mirror, then spin around so we can see our reflections in the mirror while doing my best impression of that stunned squirrel-type thing that was all over the intertubes years ago. I even try to make the dramatic noises. He loved it. Totally weird, I know.

So there's your weekly update on the fussy part of my life. Which, coincidentally, happened last night (er, June 1st, hehe) every hour save 1 to 5 am. Yup, I got 4 hours of sleep. Someday I will punish him for this by showing his prom date embarassing baby/toddler pictures and wearing white go-go boots to pick him up from school.

Gender Roles and Stereotypes

I see there is a post on BotB about this from last night, and I'm just starting to read all the responses now, which is good, because lately I have really been thinking about how what we do as parents and people will now start to affect the burrito as he is fully able to view and take in everything around him.

I have noticed that hubs' family is especially supportive of gender roles and boy stereotypes. I can't remember exactly the situation, but someone tried to give him something purple, and MIL said "no, that's a girl color!" I said that I don't want to tell him that certain things are meant only for girls or only for boys. I also pointed out that he has four spoons of differing colors and one of them is pink and I use it even though it's not a "boy color." Hopefully if I keep pointing it out, she'll get it. I try to make it more about the way I want him brought up and not a me vs MIL sort of thing (just because recently I've noticed that her mannerisms and way of acting around the burrito are not exactly in tune with mine...case in point: please do not let my child lick your fork which just had a seasoned steak on it).

But I digress...I don't want to post the whole conversation here, but I did want to put down some snippets so I recall them later:

(original thread)
(original original thread)

I don't know the answer, but I will say that I'm amazed at how much of a "boy" Gabe has turned out to be.  There's just so much that comes from society that you don't even realize.  I try to expose Gabe to a wide range of toys and experiences (he has dolls, he has play food, he has puzzles, he has trucks etc), but he's currently obsessed with cars, trucks, airplanes and trains.

Where does my responsibility as a parent lie?  Do I encourage the things he is interested in even though they are pretty stereotypically "boy" interests?  Do I try to steer him towards more gender neutral interests in order to "balance" him out for lack of a better word? - armandos


...listen to a child's cues and be aware of their comfort level. I have two friends with little kids who are displaying gender non-conforming behavior. Explaining why peoplereact the way they do without blaming the child or telling them what to do makes a difference. These are kids who know their sex, don't have the words to describe gender expression, but who are truly discovering what fits for them. - BGG

I am  thinking of a blog post (which I can't remember) where a mom was called in because in her 1st grade classroom, her daughter was in trouble for being violent.  They were writing a story and each kid built on the page in front by the previous kid.  Her daughter's had to do w/ something violent and the teacher insisted that she had NEVER seen such violence in a story before...but the daughter's page was building directly off of the MORE violent pages that came first...but no one cared about those because boys could be violent. - GBKC

But I also grew up knowing that physically, I am a girl and there are certain things that are expected of me as a girl (for lack of a better term).  I knew that going to church on Sunday, showing up in a dress would be less controversial than showing up in khaki's and a tie.  I was blessed to have incredibly supportive family/friends and not to have any serious inner gender/identity issues and could go between my desire to be more tomboy and societies expectation for me to be more girly. - Balls

As far as the coddling girls and toughening up boys thing... it is the total opposite at my house.  It has nothing to do with their sexes, and everything to do with their personalities.  Rough housing is an equal opportunity sport in this house, and nobody holds back anymore on Riley than they do on Nathan.  Nathan tends to be more sensitive if he gets hurt or feels upset, and he needs the hugs and cuddles to get over it quickly, so that's what he gets.  Riley tends to do better with the "you're alright, shake it off and get back up!" speech, so that's what she gets more often than not. ... I think that expecting everyone to conform to them is definitely not ok, but there is nothing wrong with "girls like to wear dresses" and "boys like to play with trucks" as long as people understand that it is ok for it to be the opposite. - Leslie

My MIL has voiced her concerns about us not teaching him proper gender rolls.  She sees photos of him playing with the vacuum, pretending to cook, etc.  She truly feels that we should be pushing the cars, trucks, and trains.  He owns "boy toys" and chooses not to play with them very often.- MadameFP

This is something I worry about with MIL. I believe that every kid no matter the sex should know how to do things around the house - laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I know that hubs will support this, because he's a clean freak by nature (his time in the Navy added to this). But hopefully she won't discourage that. My common sense says she would not, but my inner monologue worries about everything. I just have to focus on how hubs grew up I think, because she raised him, and he makes a killer french toast. Score.

One of my favorite selections from The Parent's Tao Te Ching - A New Interpretation:

2. Take Care With Labels

When you teach your children that certain things are good,
they are likely to call all different things bad.
If you teach them that certain things are beautiful,
they may see all other things as ugly.

Call difficult things "difficult,"
and easy things "easy,"
without avoiding one and seeking the other
and your children will learn self-confidence.
Call results "results,"
without labeling one as success
and another as failure
and your children will learn freedom from fear.
Call birth "birth,"
and death "death,"
without seeing one as good
and the other as evil
and your children will be at home with life. 

 - AKA
↑ I need to get this, I completely agree with this excerpt. Thanks akalutts for posting this! ::adds to Amazon list::

Well, I have a little time before he starts being heavily influenced by outside sources...I'm not entirely sure that the other kids at daycare are giving him pressure right now. But I am interested to read the book that aka quoted and see if there's anything that I can start doing (or not doing) now to help make the burrito a more tolerant, well-rounded, and communicative individual. Or, just not screw him up. Isn't that what every parent aspires to?

Milestones - they make me *tear*

So here are the milestones that have been making me cry lately:

1) we moved the crib mattress to the lowest setting.
here's our crib, btdubs:

Several reasons for this: two weeks ago, he figured out how to sit up from a kneeling position. he hasn't yet figured out how to move forward, only backward, but he can roll over onto his tummy, push up, and move one leg so that if he pushes himself back, he's sitting up. I'd hear babbling in the morning and walk in to find him on the opposite end of the crib, pac in mouth, hands folded, watching for me as if to say "oh, you're up too? I'll take some milk."
This past weekend, I was ironing next to his crib, and he decided to see what was going on. He pushed into a sitting position, put his hands over the crib rail, and pulled himself up until he was in a straddle - not quite standing up, but close enough that I decided it was TIME.

2) He's saying dada. Not in any recognizable way, in that when hubs walks into the room he says it; just baby babbling. But it's enough.

3) He can now sit up on his own, and play with toys on his own, and at the beginning of the month we got him a Pooh stand-up-easel-looking thing that has wheels. And when I stand him up and he holds on to the handle? He takes steps with it. STEPS. Granted, the thing has to slide out so far that he is almost horizontal before he actually thinks "hmm, I should move a leg..." but still.

(obvs not the burrito)



4) He ate bananas the other day. Like, actual bananas. I cut up a semi-ripe one, and he was smushing it onto his fists, and then putting his fists in his mouth. It totally counts. Ish.
Of course, this past weekend, I had some melon on my plate and he was bored, so my plate was his target of choice. So, I let him suck on the melon (note to self: wear drop cloth). When I pulled the melon out of his mouth, a chunk was gone. WTG burrito, you actually gummed a piece of food off and down your little throat!


Soooooo, I will be taking a vacation day sometime soon in order to babyproof my first floor...he should be crawling any minute now, closely followed by high school.

Mother's Day - my lesson.

I just got back from a loooong walk. You know the kind; one of those walks where you keep looking down over the canopy on your stroller to see if they're asleep yet.

It all started innocently enough - hubs went to lay down before going into work at ten, so I took the burrito downstairs and placed him lovingly in his pack 'n' play. In a few minutes, he was p'n'p-ed out, so we switched to the new convertible walker/easel-type toy with Pooh noises. He soon tired of that too. I knew he was tired, so I walked him around a little bit. Nada. He started to scream louder. The pac didn't work, holding him sideways didn't work, none of the usual tricks.

So, I resorted to the last trick I knew - The Stroller. I estomped (that's Legally Blonde for walked while pouting) upstairs, ripped off my PJ pants and put on some jeans, threw on a sweatshirt, estomped back downstairs, grabbed Yelling Child from p'n'p of death, grabbed dog leash, yelled over my shoulder to said dog, yanked stroller down the front steps, and attempted to shove Yelling Child in stroller. Pac in mouth, dog in front, all was good (read: distracted).

I felt...like a complete failure. Here it was, Mother's Day, the day when I should be celebrated (it's my first as a mama), and give myself a pat on the back, and pamper myself (the non-diaper variety of that word please). The day when I get to bask in the glory of my kid(s), and reflect on all I have done for them. And I have to push Yelling Child around the block in Stroller to get him to calm down. Normally when it's the two of us at night, hubs and myself, it works out better. I'm not sure why; it just does. But when it's just me? I swear that he senses it and is not satisfied with the norm. He wants more! Step it up mama! Work for that title!

So all through the walk, I'm wallowing. Rolling around like a pig. In the mud of my self-pity. "You had to use the last resort Stroller! on Mother's Day no less! What kind of mom can't calm their kid down?? What kind of mom can't rock their baby to sleep??" A tiny voice in the back of my head said, "ok, but you knew that the stroller would calm him down, and he loves walks." And I wanted to estomp it out and continue to wallow in my lovely mud.

And then I realized. I was giving up too easily. I'm not sure where, but somewhere along the way, I have come to be That Girl - the one who cries "this is too hard - I don't want to do it anymore!" and estomps back upstairs and into bed. I have no idea how it happened; maybe it was a result of my relationship troubles last year. Somewhere, after all the not giving up there, I apparently started to feel like I could now give up everywhere else. Maybe my emotional brain decided that I hung in so long with that aspect of my life that I deserved a little giving up elsewhere. I don't know for sure. But I know it's been happening more recently. Especially with Yelling Child. And I don't have a colicky baby, an awful baby, anything like that, which may make it worse - I expect him to be happy all the time because he is happy most of the time.

So...where does that leave me? When is it ok to "give up," to throw in the towel and go get a pedicure? Because I'm sure that there are times where that is acceptable. But not all the time. Not every day. Not even when, on the day we go out to breakfast to the place that I want to go to, where hubs utters two complaints (which I knew were coming), where the burrito gets fussy because he poops and then proceeds to rip off the wipe I strategically place upon his baby nether regions while changing him and then emit a stream of urine so powerful the second I turn to grab a new diaper that it not only wets his face, hands, jacket, overalls, shirt, and the changing table, but also myself and the whole underside of his outfit as well (which I did not discover until afterwards when he was sitting on hubs' lap while we were waiting for boxes for our food and the check because his spare outfit was used the day before). I kinda gave up then. And I really didn't have to, but I think I placed so much pressure on the whole thing to be perfect that it was doomed from the start.

I'm pretty sure that's the worst kind of perfectionist too - the kind who doesn't even do things because they know it can't be done perfectly, so why bother? I don't know, is that me?

Well anyway, I know what I have to do now. Self, this one's for you:
Realize that life will go on no matter what, and if you keep stopping to complain/give up/estomp upstairs, you may miss things.
Don't worry, it can always get worse.
You have been through worse - this isn't it.
While ruined moments may give you just cause to eat a whole pack of chocolate poptarts, they do not give you just cause to continue to ruin more moments. Only one pack is justified, so suck it up and say NEXT.

The Baby Cold.

Dislike.

Burrito started a little while ago with a stuffy nose, and yesterday it escalated into a full-on runny nose, complete with coughing. Such coughing, in fact, that he actually vomited twice yesterday morning. Thankfully, not on ma's work clothes. He seemed fine after he got all the mucous (and some milk) out, so we took him to daycare.

The coughing? May have gotten a little worse. I was supposed to go to a meeting last night but elected to stay home so I could nurse him as much as he wanted, which was A Lot. Lot. He coughed when he was upset pretty much, so we tried to keep him as calm and content as possible.

He woke up at 330am, after hubs and I went down to see the eclipse (looked like a big orange moon with dark parts and light parts, folks), probably because he heard us talking. Nursed, coughed a little more, was tormented by the nasal aspirator boogie-sucker, coughed a bit more, then went back to sleep with his pac.

Woke again at 640, which is when hubs rolled over to ask me when I was getting up. I'm thinking he stirs when he hears his voice, because I've talked to him before and nada. So we nursed then as well, and handed off to daddy for burping while I got a shower. Apparently he enjoyed that, because he spit up all over daddy, lol. Attacked him with the boogie-sucker a few more times, then packed him up for daycare.

I let them know that his cold was a little worse, and that he liked being upright so that his mucous wouldn't clog him up and make him cough. I also told them where his boogie-sucker was in his bag so they could attack him as well. She informed me that there were respiratory things and ear infections going around, so be sure to watch for signs of that too. Greeaaaaat. I feel so bad for the kid. I was sick last week, so I can't help thinking this has something to do with his cold. I'm drinking my oj and popping my PNVs, so hopefully keeping myself "well" will help him too. Because I can't stand baby coughs!

A Very Special Post. Boobs Mentioned.

So, this breastfeeding thing. Let's start from the beginning.

When burrito was born, I'd say he was on the boob in the first 2 hours. Luckily, there were lactation consultants as far as the eye could see, so I got offered help at least a million times. I said yes to all of them, cause from what I'd heard, I'd need it.

The first one went pretty well, she helped get him latched and sucking away with his little newborn mouth. She basically grabbed my boob and shoved it in his mouth. She used the method of brushing the nipple down his nose to get his mouth open wide. I didn't feel a whole bunch at first, but it did get a wee bit sore so I lathered on the Lansinoh - in small amounts, because I am cheap.

The tops I brought to the Hosp were basically pajama tops and one Gap nursing shirt, and I had a Medela sleep bra, which, love. Oh the comfort at night. Not that I slept that first night. I was pretty much just up watching him, and figuring out how to lie/sit so my ass didn't kill.

So, we continued on, my burrito, boobs and me. It looked as If he was able to suck and get stuff, it was just colostrum at first so I didn't really see anything come out, but he wasn't opening his mouth wide enough, and it was starting to get painful. The lac cons and I tried a couple different positions for nursing, with the boppy and with pillows, and my left side started to be the one he didn't like. I was doing one side at a time at first.

After we got home, he continued to get enough, and I'd say within the 1st week, my milk came in. And then my boobs came in. Waaaay in. Like, good morning Dolly Parton (for me) in. I had cleavage I never thought I would, and found out what it's like to have actual boobs, like other women. Of course, eventually the side-effects kicked in: stretch marks, giant areolas, and a fun one - leaking. I blamed burrito's wet outfit on two faulty brands of diapers until I realized I *may* be leaking through my bra while he's nursing. Thank you, let-down.

The 1st week, I thought, was a bit hard. It was nothing compared to the 2nd week. The nips were sore all the time, and the cream helped, but it was just torturous at times. And then there was the favoring one side. He wasn't latching very well starting a couple days after we got home, and I remember being up one morning at 2am just crying, tears falling on the baby who was crying also, because it was so frustrating. There were times when he wanted to eat All.The.Time. and I didn't know if he was getting anything, or if he was getting nothing, or what the problem was.

And then of course, there was the moment when my mom was like, you're only feeding on one side? hmm. yeah. It's ok to feed them on both sides. And here I was sitting there for a half hour while burrito munched away on one boob. Lo and Behold, it only takes him like 10-15 minutes on one side to get his fill. It was only a couple days of that though, so we figured it out and got into a new routine pretty quick.

I wish I would've known about the growth spurts where they eat CONSTANTLY, and that there are days when they just wanna eat and that's that, when I started. Sometime around the start of the third week, he switched to the other boob being the favorite, and just wasn't having the shunned boob. His latch really didn't improve, and I called the lac cons about two times after I was home from the hosp. They gave me some good suggestions and advice, and I am so thankful I had that option. When it came down to it:
- his latch wasn't the best, but he was getting food
- sometimes he just wanted to eat
- sometimes he just wanted to suck
- my nips were PAINFUL
- it was ok to cry, moan and bitch about it.

Sometime after that, I'd say around 4+ weeks, it got better. I can't pinpoint anything specifically, but kellymom.com really helped, and just sticking with it made me feel...not better, but stronger. Not to say if it had been bad enough that switching to formula would've been weak, however, I think now that I didn't even consider that as an option, so my only choice was to succeed at breastfeeding. Possibly. Kind of like with labor - I was so scared of the needles, it didn't occur to me to ask for drugs; it wasn't even an option. And of course, there's always my pain mantra: it's probably going to get worse, so suck it up.

At around 5 weeks, we started being able to nurse laying down in bed, which was fantastic. He was beginning to be able to suck the nip into his mouth without having me pry his chin down and shove it in. And now? It's like a little mini-vac that sucks it in no matter where it is. Seriously. He could be across the room and his sucking power will just draw him to the boob. Pshaw. But I digress. I'm glad I was able to stick with it, and it wasn't as painful as it could've been, because it's really good for him and his immune system especially now that we're in cold&flu season; it's cheap; and I feel wanted and needed and useful, especially now that he's in daycare. And those moments when he's nursing and he looks up and catches my eye? Priceless.



products used:
Lansinoh lanolin
Lansinoh disposable pads - not to sound like the quote on the main page...but yeah, these do work well overnight!
I did try nipple shells and shields (Medela) but I think that I got the wrong size shield so it just hurt that much more. The shells, however? LOVE. It's like a protective little cup for the nips. Course, if you're leak-prone, remember to put a pad around them, lol.
Gap nursing tops - because I don't shop anywhere else.
Ok, I lied, Target has some nice nursing tanks for bedtime too.
I also brought one of Medela's sleep bras to the hosp with me, which was nice.

Advice to myself for possible next baby:
expect it to hurt like hell for the first 3 weeks. wake up at 2am, bitch, moan, throw things at husband. but it will get better. they will stop hurting. and maybe next time, try to plan for a summer baby so your nips don't freeze off.

Daycare - almost 3 days down.

The First Day:

We got there around 815, I had wanted to be there by 8 but I'm always late to everything, so why should that change now that I have even more to do in the mornings? ::sigh::
I don't have a code for the front door yet, but the director and owner recognize me. Walk in, hit the computer sign-in program, and go down the hall to the infant room, where the sign says "Welcome Benjamin and (other new baby)!" We either have to take our shoes off or wear booties, and obviously my shoe choice that day was boots, so I opted for the booties. Sex-ay.

I went in, said g'morning to the teachers, and set the burrito down to put his things away. Diaper bag to the cubby, blanket to his crib, bottles in the frig in his little plastic bin. I filled out his morning info (last nap? diaper? feeding? how's he doing this morning?) and didn't really know what to do then. The teacher with a squeaky voice (now that I think about it, she kinda reminds me of shelly duvall) asked if he was hungry, and he probably was, but when she warmed up the bottle to try it, he wasn't interested - he was looking around at everything. It was so darn bright in there.

I left his carseat there for hubs to pick him up, along with his blanket (thanks auntie Kim!) and his 3-6mo knit hat and sweater (thanks grandma shurl!) and just kind of moseyed my way to the door. I must have said goodbye about ten times. I just didn't want to go. : (

I didn't call in until about 2pm, and they said that he was doing fine, and was a happy baby, but didn't eat much. He took about 1/2oz, then 1oz, then 3, then 3. He had two leftover bottles (it said on their info sheet that I should send 4), which I then sent with him the next day. I figured it was just that he was in new surroundings, with new faces/shapes/colors/bright lights, and that he'd eat more later. He did. Of course, it took me a freakin hour to get home, thanks stupidlocalhighway. When I got home, it wasn't like he was wagging his tail and running up to me like another household item (who also peed on the floor, natch), so I wasn't expecting much. But like I said, he was a bit ravenous and ate for longer than usual. He seemed like he was sleepy, lethargic almost, and wary of his surroundings. It took him about two hours to be back to his "normal" happy baby self, and then he was smiling and chatting away.

He woke up twice in the night to eat - 2am and 550, which he hasn't done for a little while now, so he must have been starved. Hubs did say that when he went to pick him up, his hands were freezing, and the room was cold, so I'm going to see how it is today when I go to pick him up, and then address it with the center director and teachers. He does have mittens, if his hands were cold I'd hope they would use them. Maybe they forgot I packed them?...Maybe it was just the weather on Monday which was colder than the norm lately.

Yesterday, he ate a little more, but wasn't as happy baby as the first day. He hasn't taken his usual naps either, going down for only a half hour to hour at a time. He usually goes for a good 1+ in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. We'll see if it's just getting used to daycare. Hubs reported some green poop as well when he picked him up, which had happened once before, the first time he had a bottle. Is that common? Interwebs?

Last night was a little bit better, he started napping when I took him to the store, and went down for the count at about 930. Slept until about 330, when he started fussing - I woke him up to eat. My boobs were a'hurtin by that point, whee engorgement. He went back to sleep, I went downstairs to pump the other boob, and he woke up again at 650 for the day.

I really have to start getting up at 630 like my alarm clock says. Can't there be more hours in a day? and less days in a year? we don't need all those days in August. Take some back, Julius Caesar.

omg, daycare.

formerly-pg-girl-at-work is talking about it. I hadn't even thought about it yet.

I am so not ready to have an outside baby in a couple months. I feel like I *just* started showing, therefore just became pregnant. This is somewhat terrifying.

Among my other fears:

♪ um, finding and paying for daycare?
♫ not being able to have the birth I want and going in for a c/s
♪ not bonding with my baby RIGHT NOW
♫ not being able to do the things I dreamed of doing back when I was going to be a SAHM
♪ getting the house ready for a small carbon-based lifeform
♫ how anything and everything I'm doing now and will do up until taking small fry home will affect him.

Goodness, if it was only small things...like, what crib do I pick? Or, how do I babyproof the house? Or, what are the best blankets to use for swaddling? Gar.

How did I ever think I could actually be ready for something so small, yet so damn HUGE?!?!

The thing about the bonding:
In pregyoga yesterday (thanks for the new name for it, bff), the teacher was talking about bonding with your baby now and talking to your baby. I've seen my friends with their kids, and they are not shy - they will sing to them, talk to them, etc. Well I'm a singer, but I've always been shy. I thought when I have kids, I'll make a list of songs I want to sing to them, and sing to them all the time, like my mom did for me.
However, I find myself not remembering anything but The Rainbow Connection and Baby Mine from Dumbo. If I can't sing to this kid now, in the shower, when I'm home BY MYSELF, how am I going to be when he comes, and I'm trying to rock him to sleep in my guest room nicely decorated nursery?

The thing about the affecting:
I keep hearing stories about how people's births affect them for the rest of their lives, especially when they themselves are parents. I don't think I have to worry about the when-said-child-gives-birth-themselves thing, unless my little trooper decides to become a troopette. 
But, I do wonder how my relationship now and my reaction to being pregnant will affect my child? It was an unplanned pregnancy, but that doesn't mean I love my child any less...does it? I mean, I worry about this a lot: will I love my child enough to prove that I want him? Will I be able to make up for him being a surprise? Do I even need to?
Will I be able to provide him with a wonderful birth so that I have one less thing to feel guilty about? If I'm terrified going into labor, will it affect him? If I have to have a c/s, will my disappointment affect him, or me after the fact?
This dilemma kind of reminds me of my favorite scene from Contact, where Matthew McHippie is talking about the existence of God to Jodie Foster: "Did you love your dad?" Jodie (taken aback): "yes!" McHippie: "Prove it."
I almost feel that since small fry was a surprise, I will now have to prove that I love him even more. Has anyone else out there in cyberspace ever felt this way? (Bueller? Bueller?)

Well I guess that's all for now, I think small fry is telling me he's hungry by head-butting my nethers. Next time: help me vote on bedding! (I know, an especially serious topic.)