omg, daycare.

formerly-pg-girl-at-work is talking about it. I hadn't even thought about it yet.

I am so not ready to have an outside baby in a couple months. I feel like I *just* started showing, therefore just became pregnant. This is somewhat terrifying.

Among my other fears:

♪ um, finding and paying for daycare?
♫ not being able to have the birth I want and going in for a c/s
♪ not bonding with my baby RIGHT NOW
♫ not being able to do the things I dreamed of doing back when I was going to be a SAHM
♪ getting the house ready for a small carbon-based lifeform
♫ how anything and everything I'm doing now and will do up until taking small fry home will affect him.

Goodness, if it was only small things...like, what crib do I pick? Or, how do I babyproof the house? Or, what are the best blankets to use for swaddling? Gar.

How did I ever think I could actually be ready for something so small, yet so damn HUGE?!?!

The thing about the bonding:
In pregyoga yesterday (thanks for the new name for it, bff), the teacher was talking about bonding with your baby now and talking to your baby. I've seen my friends with their kids, and they are not shy - they will sing to them, talk to them, etc. Well I'm a singer, but I've always been shy. I thought when I have kids, I'll make a list of songs I want to sing to them, and sing to them all the time, like my mom did for me.
However, I find myself not remembering anything but The Rainbow Connection and Baby Mine from Dumbo. If I can't sing to this kid now, in the shower, when I'm home BY MYSELF, how am I going to be when he comes, and I'm trying to rock him to sleep in my guest room nicely decorated nursery?

The thing about the affecting:
I keep hearing stories about how people's births affect them for the rest of their lives, especially when they themselves are parents. I don't think I have to worry about the when-said-child-gives-birth-themselves thing, unless my little trooper decides to become a troopette. 
But, I do wonder how my relationship now and my reaction to being pregnant will affect my child? It was an unplanned pregnancy, but that doesn't mean I love my child any less...does it? I mean, I worry about this a lot: will I love my child enough to prove that I want him? Will I be able to make up for him being a surprise? Do I even need to?
Will I be able to provide him with a wonderful birth so that I have one less thing to feel guilty about? If I'm terrified going into labor, will it affect him? If I have to have a c/s, will my disappointment affect him, or me after the fact?
This dilemma kind of reminds me of my favorite scene from Contact, where Matthew McHippie is talking about the existence of God to Jodie Foster: "Did you love your dad?" Jodie (taken aback): "yes!" McHippie: "Prove it."
I almost feel that since small fry was a surprise, I will now have to prove that I love him even more. Has anyone else out there in cyberspace ever felt this way? (Bueller? Bueller?)

Well I guess that's all for now, I think small fry is telling me he's hungry by head-butting my nethers. Next time: help me vote on bedding! (I know, an especially serious topic.)

ho-hum, 2nd tri.

Is it usually this uneventful?

So far, I've been unable to distinguish between what is a small fry movement and what may be gas. I have had a couple times where it feels like he's trying to escape though, and it's all I can do to say out loud "stop trying to escape through my lady bits dude!" They might think I was deranged or something.

I haven't really had any other "symptoms" that are normal, except the lack of pooping on a regular basis, but I am a little frustrated with my lack of weight gain. I'm going to chalk this one up to being overweight prior to getting knocked up. I'll bring it up with the doc next week, though I'm thinking it will be fine - as long as I start gaining sometime soon, I should be ok. I guess it depends on what I'm measuring too, although last appt that was perfectly normal. And you can tell I'm pg by looking at me now (I hope) - unless, of course, you're just predisposed to my odd-shaped stomach, which looks like the side of a peanut shell now, with two bumps. Since my uterus is past my belly button now (thanks WTE) that should be evening out soon.

I am pretty much done buying mat clothes now, especially since my bell-y-a-whatever band is coming in handy nowadays. I just think I need a few more shirts, since my prior wardrobe was all fitted and shorter and small fry's all poking out and such. But I really dread buying all of those tent-looking things. ON sale, here I come ::holds breath for longer shirts::

aaaand another pic!

BPF:

BPF!

Here ya go, I actually look like I'm pregnant now, however my butt is still bigger than my belly, lol.

I guess it's time for me to update!

Everything's been going well so far, I had my 10-yr high school reunion, which was awesome! I loved seeing the girls again, and two of them brought their babies so I got to ooh and aah over them. Of course, they were girls : ).

I had my big u/s on May 4th, in a very very tiny room with a big machine with the sonogram tech, hubs, myself, one of the drs at the practice (it was my first appt with him, I'll alternate from now on) and a resident or trainee or something or other. The tech did all the measuring first, moving the gel around and pointing out body parts (femur, heart...penis!) and we found out it's a boy. Hubs actually saw it first, because he's been staring at ultrasounds for longer than I have, haha. He was disappointed at first, but told me he had an underlying feeling all along that it was a boy. I have to say...I did too! Even though I like the idea of a girl, I welcome something different - I watched my little brother grow up, and it was great. I just constantly wonder what he'll look like!

I started to feel movement the weekend before the appt too, it was like a muscle twinge. It's been happening quite a lot, and sometimes it worries me, because I can't tell the difference between an actual muscle twinge around my abdomen and small fry moving yet. And the RLP is insane! It's not every time I sneeze, but certain times, it kills. It's not every time I cough, but occasionally it drives me nuts! I hate it!

So, that's about it for now! Oh, of course, I bought some more maternity clothes yesterday from gap.com, and what did I get in my inbox today? A 'mystery' coupon from Gap. You suck, timing.

My loot so far:
1 pair jean capris, full panel
2 pairs jeans, 1 full panel, 1 demi panel
1 pair capri khakis, full panel
1 pair black pants, demi panel
1 pair black pants, weird elastic changeable band with buttons
1 hot pink mat tee
2 mat work shirts
1 mat white button shirt, empire waist with a tie

What I ordered yesterday:
1 pair khakis, full panel
1 pair khakis, demi panel
4 camis (apparently, lol - can't believe I didn't catch that one!)
2 mat shirts
1 trench coat (whee, my first one!)

So, I think I'm about done now. I got a couple extra-long tanks at tarjay, and those under some cards will do just fine for some different work looks. Although, I do think I looked like a blueberry today. I still have a 'fat roll' above my 'baby roll,' so it just looks odd! And my belly button has stopped its coming-out party, adding to the 'just fat' look I'm rockin'. I'll have to get up the energy to PIP one of these days.

Listaciousness:
How far along? 20w3d

Total weight gain/loss: Holding steady around 178, so 1 lb up as of Monday.
Maternity clothes? (see list above, hehe)
Stretch marks? everywhere but my belly
Sleep: same, normal.
Best moment this week: seeing small fry on the big screen! I got a cute lil picture too, with a baby fist pump right in it.
Movement: muscle twinges, wierd ones
Food cravings: vanilla ice cream
Gender: team penis!
Labor Signs: N/A
Belly Button in or out? its journey has stalled.
What I miss: putting my socks on by bringing my knee/leg up
What I am looking forward to: feeling actual baby movements and not just twinges
Weekly Wisdom: veggies are your friends!
Milestones: finding out it's a boy, feeling the first movements